CHICAGO – The NFC Championship game happens this Sunday and will be played at Soldier Field. It is not a neutral site. The Bears earned the right to play in front of their fans. Cheeseheads, the welcome mat is not out.
Packer fans with tickets, be aware you will be entering enemy territory. Women and children will not be spared. If you chose to watch the game with Bear fans, in their den, you are fair game. The Bully Police are off on Sunday. Bear fans are a delightful bunch. They’ll give you the thumbs up all afternoon. Well, it won’t be thumbs.
The following are some helpful hints for Packer Fans who plan on attending the game. Get someone to read this to you.
Look in the Mirror – Disgusting huh, look at yourself standing there with your Big Johnson tank-top and your Packer underoos. Put on some pants. Comb the cheese curds and Fruit Loops out of your beard. Try and look respectable for your trip to the big city.
Wash up before attending the game. The stink of fumunda cheese, Slim-Jims and deer attractant may make the ladies swoon back at Skeeter’s Packer Emporium, but folks bathe in Chicago. So here’s a test, sniff your fingers right now. Recognize that smell? Yes, of course it’s ass. Stop at a Sunoco Station and wash up.
Dress in neutral clothing. Packer jerseys attract loogies. You will hear the sound all around you as they are prepared for launch. Expect to be hit many times as you’ll clear more sinuses than a box of Mucinex. Here’s a plus; the loogies usually will be in your team colors. We suggest you head over to Gander Mountain for some Wisconsin formal-wear of flannel shirt and waders instead.
Cheeseheads fly. – Leave your foam cheesehead at home. Expect it to be knocked off your head over and over. It’s windy in Chicago. Wear it in the restroom and it’ll end up in the urinal (windy in there too). Simply say Ditka three times and walk away.
Eat before. There will be no Bratwurst for you. In Chicago the sausage of choice is the Polish, next is an Italian. Keep whining about the field, it’s likely one or more of these may end up deep in your anus. Peppers and onions are usually included.
Learn football lingo dummy. Tackle is not what you use to catch walleye. Sack is not something you play with while peeing. Punt is not a female packer fan.
Keep your silly Wisconsin mouth shut.
Here is a simple translation of what you say and what Bear Fans hear:
Go Pack – My name is Ass Bag. Please slap me.
Aaron Rodgers Rules – Wipe your hairy bear balls across my face while beer-farting.
Bears Suck – Everybody please help get this fire hydrant up my ass!
So Packer fans, go to Lambeau instead on Sunday. You’ll get a much warmer welcome.