Bed Bugs Binge Biting Hobos and Whores
Jun, 11 2011

Bed Bug Bites

NEW YORK – They have no standards when it comes to sleeping around. They are just as happy with a hobo as with Eliot Spitzer’s squeeze box. They are bed bugs and they may be lurking in a mattress near you.

Spend any time in bed, you may be at risk. Make your living in bed and you are at risk. Last week a high-priced call girl was treated for bed bug bites by the house physician at a Five-star Manhattan hotel.  A maid was also treated for bites, but that was unrelated to bed bugs.

Bed bugs bite and suck blood from humans. They are most active at night and bite any exposed areas of skin while an individual is sleeping. Engorgement takes about three to 10 minutes, yet the person seldom knows they are being bitten.

It is the itch that usually is the first alert with the victim often thinking mosquitoes are to blame. The face, neck, hands, and arms are common sites for bed bug bites for those in pajamas. Nude sleepers often suffer bites to the anus and awake with stinky fingers.

We’ve heard it since we were toddlers. “Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the Bed Bugs bite”. But how to combat these wretched creatures has remained a mystery. Fortunately The Daily Load offers the smart sleeper these tips to outwit the dreaded bed bug.

Bed bugs are attracted to documentary films, so never watch one in bed. 6 of 10 unaffected beds are infested by the time credits roll on a documentary. The odds go up if the film is about fast food or Nixon.

Do not wrap yourself in gauze before bed. King Tut was found to have over 3000 bed bug bites when his sarcophagus was opened back in 1922.

Is your sleeping partner a bed wetter? If so, you may be in luck as there is only one documented case of bed bugs in the bed of a bed wetter. That person habitually ate asparagus and drank purple soda within 1 hour of retiring each evening.

Scientists in Afghanistan discovered bed bugs prefer the blood of goats to that of humans, so in Afghanistan, goats are not strange bed fellows. A similar experiment was tried in Scotland with sheep. Even though the bed bugs continued to bite the Scotsmen, the Scotsmen refused to return the sheep to the pasture.

Sleeping with the lights on is not likely to deter hungry bed bugs, but it does still keep the bogey man away.

Your best defense against the bed bug is not to sleep. Some think the  5-Hour Energy, Red Bull and cocaine taint the blood making it unappealing to the bed bug.  Regardless, those who do not sleep seem to be immune to the bite of the bed bug.

Sleep tight.