PARIS – Residents of France are in shock. The entire country in a state of mourning as the results of the NBA finals trickled in early Monday morning. Their favored son, LeBron James, proved the French are indeed incapable of winning any high profile battle. As in the past, this battle was won by the Germans.
Dirk Nowitzki’s heroics finally allowed the German people to put Hitler behind them. Now they can move forward with a mustache-less icon to represent Deutschland.
The French however are crying foul, claiming Nowitzki used tactics Hitler himself would have been proud of. Specifically germ warfare. Nowitzki infected himself with a highly contagious virus prior to game four of the series. Armed with an arsenal of illness, Dirk coughed on the opposition at every opportunity. Fondling the ball with his diseased hands before shooting ensured his foes would be handling the ticking bomb following every basket he made, which were many.
Even his sweat was toxic and he made sure to press his wet body against any Heat player on the floor with him. The seven footer’s tactics were diabolical if not genius. By game six, the Heat were as threatening as a Chicago Cubs team in shorts, tank tops and flip flops.
For now, the French will endure the insults from their neighbors to the east, humbled by Monsieur James, and his play in the finals which can only be compared to the French effort in Vietnam. An embarrassment.
So today they will sit in their cafes with their pâté and baguettes knowing they still have no reason to be pompous, yet it will not stop them. Lebron’s performance simply stunk, but isn’t that what we’ve come to expect from the French.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, in a gesture of good sportsmanship, will export 17 cases of Axe hygiene products to France and a case or two to the highly adored and revered Frenchman himself, LeBron. But chances are neither will have a clue what the hell it is.
Que Sera Sera.