Sandra Bernhard Will Continue To Be Ugly Through Her Fifties
Jun, 14 2011

Sandra Bernhard

NEW YORK – Some things never change, and in the case of Sandra Bernhard’s face, that’s too bad. Last week she celebrated her 56th birthday leaving little doubt she will continue to be ugly through her fifties and beyond.

It was 1982 when the Martin Scorsese film The King of Comedy was released and we first gasped upon seeing her face on the big screen.  In the film, her character teamed up with Rupert Pupkin (Robert DeNiro) to kidnap Jerry Langford (Jerry Lewis). Many thought Scorsese had hired the make-up artist from The Exorcist to create such a grizzly image. “That was all Sandra” Scorsese recalled years later, “Our first videographer heaved at first sight and quit during filming. DeNiro punched her for no reason, said she disgusted him. Jerry just popped a few more pills”.

Although she wanted to undergo cosmetic surgery in the years that followed, she could find no plastic surgeon up for the challenge. She was just too retched and most feared any new clients in the waiting room would flee mistakenly assuming they had done that to her.  Her father Jerome, a proctologist declined the job claiming she looked about right for what he’s used to working with. So she embraced her ugliness.

As a lesbian she had encounters to keep her in the public eye. Madonna and Bernhard appeared on the David Letterman show together and the two alluded to a lesbian relationship that included a staged confrontation. The only thing viewers could believe for certain is that no man would ever do her. Madonna lost some appeal with her fans until she later commented “Look I’ve never been that wasted and God knows I’ve been that wasted”.

A mouthpiece for liberals and often just a mouthpiece, Bernhard is always willing to make herself visible on behalf of far left candidates. Although they certainly welcome her support to their campaigns, most have requested it be kept to voice over work only.

Bernhard proved she can be ugly with her words too. In 2008 she warned Sarah Palin that she would be gang-raped by Bernhard’s “big black brothers” if she visited Manhattan. Although when caught up with for comment, the brothers in New York collectively claimed “That girls’ always trying something… there’ll be no gang raping happening if Sandra’s part of it, but give her credit, she keeps trying”. She also told Palin to stay away from the Old Testament and referred to Palin’s Christianity as “new goyish crappy shiksa funky bullshit!”.

For a while Bernhard blamed her ethnicity for her looks claiming “it’s the curse of being Jewish”. Unfortunately for her, no one was buying it.  Winonna Ryder, Alicia Silverstone, Brooke Burke, Sarah Silverman, Elizabeth Banks, Gina Gershon, Goldie Hawn and many others prove Bernhard’s theory was pure B.S.  Woody Allen once said, “I’m one homely Jew, but at least I’m better looking than Sandra Bernhard.”