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IRS to Auction Steven Seagal Pony Tail to Pay Back Taxes
Aug, 1 2011

LOS ANGELES – Willie Nelson has company. But Willie got to keep his hair. Not so for action film superstar Steven Seagal. The IRS has frozen the assets of Seagal in an effort to collect on an undisclosed unpaid tax debt. What the IRS did not anticipate is those assets are mostly a collection of VHS tapes featuring the now portly action star.

IRS agents opened Seagal’s vault thanks to a court order issued Friday to discover a pallet full of unopened Under Siege 2: Dark Territory video cassettes. Boxes of  collector edition Belly of the Beast vids were also found. Apparently Seagal was one of the few collectors of these items as research on ebay revealed all similarly listed items have gone without bids since 1996.

IRS agents almost released the actor shortly after his arrest thinking they had mistakenly busted Jean Claude Van Damme. Fortunately the TV in the holding area was showing Time Cop where Seagal said he could not stand by and continue to be confused with some one capable of such bad acting. He declared,”For God’s sake… I’m the one with the ponytail!”.

That iconic ponytail is what will keep Seagal out of prison. The ponytail should be the highlight at an IRS/Police Auction that will also feature several stolen bicycles and mobile CB units. Bidding is expected to generate interest from hair collectors and similar fetish fueled psychopaths from around the globe. Speculation has Bruce Willis outbidding all comers after reports he was burned by months of unproductive treatment with a Hair Club.  Willis has been said to have been jealous of William H. Macy’s long locks since seeing The Lincoln Lawyer.

It was not income from the many action films that generated tax debt, rather Seagal made his unreported fortune from a recording career in which he sang covers of Shel Silverstein songs.

Seagal also invested in a beverage company based in an undisclosed location in the orient where he along with a shaman formally employed by Red Bull, created a line of energy drinks under the name Lightning Bolt. Seagal said the name was derived from his nickname for his penis. “History has proven the Lightning Bolt provides total satisfaction and that’s what a tired and thirsty sole can expect from a can of Lightning Bolt” said Seagal.

Seagal says he has also resorted to placing a hacky-sack on his pillow each night to fill the void left from the removal of his ponytail. “It feels, like it’s still there, so I can sleep again. But when I look in the mirror, I really miss it. Last week I found a really cool scrunchy at a craft fair, but I know it will be years before I’ll be able to wear something like that again” said Seagal, “but I guess that’s my cross to bear”.

A promo for Lightning Bolt can be viewed below.