Diversions, popular

Short Hair Linked to Long Life
Aug, 21 2011

BOSTON –  The New England Medical Researchers Association (NEMRA) has announced  that men with short hair outlive their long hair counterparts. The results of the 40 year study revealed as hair grows, it also dies, draining life from the host.  Split ends are actually dead ends that pull nutrients from the strain above. The body diverts the nutrients otherwise destined to maintain general health to the hair follicles where it is wasted trying to repair the ends.  NEMRA suggests this directly affects longevity.

Race does not appear to be a factor.  Whites, Blacks, Hispanics and Asians are all statistically within 4 percentage points in the study. Though Asian monks had the longest lifespan of all sub-groups but did exclude those with shaved heads and the long ponytails as often seen on the hit 70’s TV show Kung Fu.

Many recognizable names are included in the results of the international study that began in 1971. Among  the names are Bob Marley, Jim Morrison, Joey Ramone, Kurt Cobain and Dime-Bag Darrell Abbott. Would they have lived longer with simply a decent haircut? While there are many that wonder if only Phil Collins and Michael Stipe would have been longhairs. Yet both continue to provide tracks for dentists offices and mall restrooms across America.

Men are now being advised to retire the long locks. Guitarist/Sportsman Ted Nugent did just that several years ago. Nugent, who earned his reputation as the Motor City Madman from his blistering guitar work and outrageous hair, cut that famous hair following being menaced by relentless protesters.

In the 90’s  Nugent was smeared in a campaign by PETA that charged he used volumes of hair conditioner that was known to be tested on animals. “I took a lot of heat from that band of idiots. They couldn’t get me for my pro-hunting lifestyle cause what Ted kills, Ted grills. But the protests were constant and frankly, a tad annoying”.

An aggressive PETA  member disguised as a fan doused Nugent’s mane with red paint prior to an appearance on Larry King Live back in 1998. “Truth is that conditioner never worked on my hair, but it kept the animals away while hunting. When I stopped using it I noticed the deer attractant was being drawn to and absorbed by my hair. I smelt like Louie Anderson at a liverwurst festival. So out came the sheers, little did I know at the time, it was a move that would save my life”.

Comedians Mitch Hedberg and Sam Kinison, both sported long hair. Both died before reaching 40. Meanwhile a short haired Jeff Dunham continues a healthy life, although the original Peanut, who sported a long doo, died only two years into their career. The current Peanut  took over shortly thereafter and is often credited with the teams rise to stardom.

In 1991 baseball great Oscar Gamble was in rapidly declining health. If it were not for a terminally ill young fan who wrote Gamble telling him that he was close to graduating barber college, but needed an African-American model for his final examination. Gamble agreed. The kid butchered Gamble’s famous fro and failed the exam, yet Gamble’s health improved almost immediately.

Although rarely affecting women, speculation now blames the death of singer Amy Winehouse on the bouffant hair style she adopted in 2004. Amy’s health dumped immediately and she was visibly affected by the results in the years leading to her death in July. Some refute the scenario claiming the hair was not her own and in fact was a wig. Yet the photographs offer compelling evidence that seem to prove even second hand hair can be hazardous to a long healthy life.