NEW YORK – NFL Commish Roger Goodell unveiled the future of protective equipment for quarterbacks at a press conference detailing upcoming changes to the league. Surprise, it’s a bubble bodysuit.
The Orb Suit, Goodell suggests, will avoid adding more rules to protect the quarterback, in turn adding more penalties and associated fines that would have to be issued. “We realize injuries are part of the game. My job is to protect players. Recent rule changes have done that, but have not eliminated them” said the Commissioner. “The Quarterback Orb suit brings our game of gladiators into a safer 21st century.”
It may be hard to imagine Russell Crowe doing battle in the Orb suit, but Ben Roethlisberger modeled the Steeler Black version on Thursday and looked menacing.
Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler was the first to applaud the Orb suit. “This should help extend the careers of a lot of guys in my situation. A dozen sacks in the Orb will seem like an afternoon of badminton”. Cutler, Tom Brady, Matthew Stafford and the rest of NFL signal callers are expected to be sporting the new look when the new season kicks off in September. One can only wonder how this will affect Tebowing.
Michael Vick has already expressed concern that the Orb suit will hamper his scrambling. Goodell admits there will be an associated noise from the suit when the legs rub together like a clown crafting balloon animals, but added the league is considering allowing silicon spray to be used between the thighs. He then quipped “If Andy Reid can learn to maneuver a dessert buffet in corduroys, I believe Michael will make the adjustment fine”.
The roughing the passer penalty is expected to be eliminated and the quarterback, once tackled, will be ruled down regardless if he bounces immediately back up. Replay reviews will be used as warranted.