SAVANNAH – More details of Paula Deen’s health concerns surfaced on Thursday when Crisco stains were found in her under garments. The Food Network’s anti-organic chef made public on January 17, she had been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. Though it has been three years since that diagnosis, Deen has continued to slather corn cobs with mayonnaise and make fried butter balls on her television show Paula’s Home Cooking.
The discovery was made by Anthony Bourdain, globe trotting chef and television host, who had been organizing a charity clothing drive for families in Namibia Africa. Bourdain told The Daily Load, “Look, last year I called her out when I said she was the worst, most dangerous person to America. Her food not only sucks, but eating it is a death sentence. She was pissed, and I guess wanted to show everyone she was the bigger person by making a donation to this charity effort of mine. So she shipped us a crate of her old unlaundered clothes. I was going through some of the clothes while shooting promos for my show and got a whiff of what I thought was lard. I was close”.
Testing revealed it was not lard, but was in fact Crisco shortening (the butter flavored version) that had permeated the fabric. Deen’s agent Barry Weiner denied the validity of Bourdain’s claim. “This is total BS. Mr. Bourdain has had a hard-on for Paula for years.” declared Wiener. Bourdain was quick to respond saying “That’s funny, Mr. Wiener claiming I’ve got a hard-on. I don’t know what there is to deny, the panties had “Paula” scrawled on the label with a black Sharpie. I guessing that’s for Paula Deen, but maybe it’s Paula Poundstone, or maybe even its Paul Lynde. Come on… this isn’t exactly Cinderella’s missing shoe, does she want to try them on and see if they fit?”
“Someone who eats a diet exclusively of carrots is going to turn orange” said Bourdain “When I eat excessive amounts of garlic, I can smell it when I sweat. She’s made a living cooking and eating notoriously fatty foods like Krispy Kreme doughnut cheesburgers and fried butter sticks, of course she is going to drip grease. That’s what the human body does, it purges what we overload it with, and in Paula Deen’s case, that has been artery clogging fat… Andrew Zimmern smells like the nuts of water buffalo and he’ll admit it. As they say, you secrete what you eat”.