Diversions

  • Groupon offers Groupon for Groupon


    CHICAGO – Groupon, the online coupon behemoth is bleeding like the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This however is much more than a flesh wound. Think the company is in trouble?  Yesterday’s Deal of the Day offered an opportunity to buy a share of Groupon for $16. The offer stated this is a 48% savings off the regular price.  Though as the opening bell rang, the NYSE listed Groupon shares hovering around $13. Even Bernie Madoff […]

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  • Goodell Approves Protective Bubble for NFL QB’S


    NEW YORK – NFL Commish Roger Goodell unveiled the future of protective equipment for quarterbacks at a press conference detailing upcoming changes to the league. Surprise, it’s a bubble bodysuit. The Orb Suit, Goodell suggests, will avoid adding more rules to protect the quarterback, in turn adding more penalties and associated fines that would have to be issued. “We realize injuries are part of the game. My job is to protect players. Recent rule changes have done that, but have not eliminated them” said the Commissioner. […]

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  • Short Hair Linked to Long Life


    BOSTON –  The New England Medical Researchers Association (NEMRA) has announced  that men with short hair outlive their long hair counterparts. The results of the 40 year study revealed as hair grows, it also dies, draining life from the host.  Split ends are actually dead ends that pull nutrients from the strain above. The body diverts the nutrients otherwise destined to maintain general health to the hair follicles where it is wasted trying to repair the ends.  NEMRA suggests this directly affects […]

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  • O’Donnell: “I Refuse to Live in Donald Trump’s Penis”


    CHICAGO – The war of words between Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell was reignited Wednesday when O’Donnell opted out of a luxury penthouse lease at the new Trump International Hotel and Tower in Chicago where she was to live while she shot her new talk show for the Oprah Winfrey Network. Urged by the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, O’Donnell agreed to pull out of the deal based upon Trump’s potential candidacy for President and an agenda that has been far from gay-friendly. O’Donnell […]

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  • Kentucky Man Invents Car that Runs on Bourbon


    LOUISVILLE  – 62 year old Mickey Nilsson of Bardstown Kentucky, finally found a way to make his tinkering hobby pay off.  Inspired by the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Nilsson transformed a collection of “junk” into a motor vehicle that does not rely on foreign oil as it’s fuel source. His car is entirely powered by Kentucky Bourbon Whiskey. “I was always a fan of Caractacus Potts (the Dick Van Dyke character) from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” said Nilsson. “He was […]

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  • Cheeseheads Stay Home


    CHICAGO – The NFC Championship game happens this Sunday and will be played at Soldier Field. It is not a neutral site. The Bears earned the right to play in front of their fans. Cheeseheads, the welcome mat is not out. Packer fans with tickets, be aware you will be entering enemy territory. Women and children will not be spared.  If you chose to watch the game with Bear fans, in their den, you are fair game. The Bully Police are […]

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  • Bears – Packers: Can You Feel the Love?


    The NFC Championship will be epic. The stage is Soldier Field.  The opponents hate each other. The teams fans despise each other even more. One would push the others grandmother down a staircase and laugh about it if given the chance. Welcome to the Black & Blue division where the Wisconsin – Illinois state line defines your allegiance and intelligence. Wisconsin is home of the Cheese-head. They are simple creatures requiring only a 30 pack of Milwaukee’s Best or other locally […]

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  • NFL Football Trumps the College Game


    It’s time for football played by men.  This weekend brings the Divisional Playoffs with about 14 hours of football flavored television Saturday and Sunday. It’s all professional football too and that makes me happy. College football is a snooze. I’d rather watch Property Virgins. College ball is played by young men, those past 22 are likely just dumb like ox. Most players are continuing their glory days of high school and the Pee Wee leagues. The majority are not special. […]

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  • Ted Williams more Popular than Obama


    A golden voice seems to be more pleasing to Americans than health care reform.  Ted Williams, a homeless man, panhandling on the streets of Columbus OH just last week, has skyrocketed and has become a media darling. Internet search results rank current interest in Williams above that of President Obama, but slightly behind Coupon Suzy. Reports out of Hollywood have film star Jack Nicholson dealing to put Williams in the role of a disc jockey in his latest film project […]

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  • Golden Voice Ted Williams Mug Shots and more


    Everyone deserves a second chance. President Obama made a point to thank the Philadelphia Eagles owner for giving felon Michael Vick another chance. It makes a good story and oh don’t we love a good story.  All of America collectively had warmed hearts upon hearing the story of Ted Williams (not the Red Sox Hall of Famer whose head sits frozen in some cryogenics-tank thanks to his forward thinking relatives). No this Ted Williams is The Man with the Golden Voice. […]

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