Rations

  • Anthony Bourdain finds traces of Crisco in Paula Deens Underpants


    Paula Deen Butter Castle

    SAVANNAH – More details of Paula Deen’s health concerns surfaced on Thursday when Crisco stains were found in her under garments. The Food Network’s anti-organic chef made public on January 17, she had been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. Though it has been three years since that diagnosis, Deen has continued to slather corn cobs with mayonnaise and make fried butter balls on her television show Paula’s Home Cooking. The discovery was made by Anthony Bourdain, globe trotting chef and television host, [...]

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  • Chase Bank Blamed in Restaurant Fracas


    Who ordered the Truffles?

    BORDENTOWN NJ – “That’s $37 a piece.” Chase Bank’s recent commercial shows how simple it is to split the check when dining as a group with their new smart-phone app. The person to person quickpay will split the check by the number in your party and with a couple clicks your co-diners can send you money while you’re finishing up dessert. Restaurant owners however are now claiming the app is causing disturbances. “$37 my ass.  I had a Salisbury steak and water. [...]

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  • IRS to Auction Steven Seagal Pony Tail to Pay Back Taxes


    seagalsamuristeve

    LOS ANGELES – Willie Nelson has company. But Willie got to keep his hair. Not so for action film superstar Steven Seagal. The IRS has frozen the assets of Seagal in an effort to collect on an undisclosed unpaid tax debt. What the IRS did not anticipate is those assets are mostly a collection of VHS tapes featuring the now portly action star. IRS agents opened Seagal’s vault thanks to a court order issued Friday to discover a pallet full of [...]

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  • Bed Bugs Binge Biting Hobos and Whores


    Bed Bug Bites

    NEW YORK – They have no standards when it comes to sleeping around. They are just as happy with a hobo as with Eliot Spitzer’s squeeze box. They are bed bugs and they may be lurking in a mattress near you. Spend any time in bed, you may be at risk. Make your living in bed and you are at risk. Last week a high-priced call girl was treated for bed bug bites by the house physician at a Five-star Manhattan hotel.  A [...]

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  • McDonalds Hire 50,000 but Layoff 55,000


    McDonalds Speedy

    OAKBROOK IL – On what has been billed as National Hiring Day, the McDonalds Corporation hired 50,000 new employees today. A huge goodwill gesture that has already been applauded by government officials across the country.  Comments from the White House concluded McDonalds was setting a positive example it hoped more American businesses would follow. Perhaps this was even a cause for celebration. Michele Obama took the day off thumping against childhood obesity and shared a bag of McDonalds cheeseburgers with [...]

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  • Kentucky Man Invents Car that Runs on Bourbon


    Inventor Nilsson shows off bourbon powered car

    LOUISVILLE  - 62 year old Mickey Nilsson of Bardstown Kentucky, finally found a way to make his tinkering hobby pay off.  Inspired by the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Nilsson transformed a collection of “junk” into a motor vehicle that does not rely on foreign oil as it’s fuel source. His car is entirely powered by Kentucky Bourbon Whiskey. “I was always a fan of Caractacus Potts (the Dick Van Dyke character) from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” said Nilsson. “He was [...]

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  • Vegan? Not this year either


    Partying Pork

    I make no apologizes. I like meat. Bacon. I love bacon. It is January 1st at 10 a.m. and I have already eaten bacon. I smelled it’s luring fragrance upon waking this morning and was happy.  To be honest, giving up meat was not a resolution I made for the new year. I know all too well of  it’s deliciousness and admit I am weak when under its spell. If I were raised in a home in lowland China, fed [...]

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